well i know it has been a week or so since i last blogged but things have been crazy here as you can tell by my previous post. I did find outhtat hubby was up to stuuf with this girl on the internet. I found the conservations on the computer. ( yes i was snooping, but he gave me reason to ) I found the conservations from three days ( the night we went out for our anniversay, our actuall anniversary, and the morning after) all of which was wither right before or after we had made love. this is why i was so pissed off at him. i actually packed up a bag for me and the kids and left. I was planning o staying out all night at a hotel, with his money of course, but the kids were hollering to much to go home so i did. But only after i made him think i was not coming back at all.

well needless to say we had it out that night and for some odd reason he admitted everything and he made me lay my heart on the line like i have never done before. I had him on his knees in tears with what i was saying. I told him i am ready to leave and never come back becaue that is what my head was telling me to do but heart was telling me to stay and work through it.

so now we are back to taking it one day at a time. he even stopped talking to this girl at least here at hime anyway. I told him right out that i do not trust him like i did before and it is going to be a long time before i can trust him completely again.

he sais he understands that now and he is very sorry for breaking the trust in me and he will do anything and everything to get it back. he even offered to wipe all his accounts off the computer and only use it for school and talk to no one but me. but i felt guilty for some reason. i mean he shoud be able to have friends but i am sooo afraid of him talking to girls on the computer even if they are friends, except for you leslie. I guess it is becasue i don't know who they are and it bothers me.

i told him point blank that by him talking hte way he did to this girl made me feel unloved, undesirable, useless, pathethic, and gullable, and that our marriage was nothing but a big joke to him.

but now things are starting to look up again. He even cuddles with me at night now and he is not on the computer late at night or early in th morning and if he is talking to someone he lets me know and he even does it in front of me so i know what they are talking about. He has not been hiding anything from me as far as i know. but i am still very leary about it all.

but i will take what i can get at this point. Irealize that builing the trust back is going to be a long and slow process but as long as we are both willing to work on it, it is worth it in the end.

thanks for staying with me all the way to the end here on this blog.

well things have been going here with school but today i kind of confirmed my suspicions on some things.

hubby has been so secretive again lately with the computer. well i went to go print some stuff of the comouter and instead of taking my computer upstairs and trying to find room i decided to log on to the other computer( the one that hubby uses) only to come across i couldn't get into the email account.

so i have a feeling he is cheating on me with someone. he is always on the computer and he doesnlt even sleep int he bed anymore. and when i question him he jsut says he is talking to a friend and when i ask him which friend (figuring if i knew them i tell he to say hello for me, being polite and all) and just responds, Just a friend and in a huffy voice. and when i ask him about not sleeping in our bed he says he has no room becaue the kids are asleep in the bed. but any other time they fall asleep in the bed he moves them and he has not been doing that lately.

i get no were when i ask him anything anymore. he is always on the computer as soon as he gets home til he goes to bed and then again as soon as he gets up till he leaves for work.

I know he has school work to do as well but not that much that he has to be on the computer all the time. I mean my classes are only 5 weeks long and i am not on the computer all day everyday. i mean my comouter is always on but i am not always at it.

so now i am not sure where i stand here and i am tired of fighting with him to get answers. I guess this just might be the beginning of the end, and if it is i do not know what to do or where i am to go. seeing that i have three kids and am in school and have no job.or even any money saved up at all to support myself with the kids.

well sorry for rambling on i just need to get this off my chest and this was the best place to do it i figured. thanks to thise who have made it to the end of this blog.

i'll try to post again soon.

well it has been a couple of days since my last blog. I have been busy with school work. I have been working on my first 2-3 page paper and my first discussion board paper that consist of 3-4 paragraphs.

I have been trying to juggle all this on top of the kids in school and with having zach calling me each day to come over and see the boys.

it is going alright except for the fact that i feel zach thinks he can do what ever he wants here becasue my mom is not around. I am constantly yelling at him for doing things that he is not suppose to be doing and they are the same things my mom had just got done telling him about right before we left their hotel room.

and he will not leave matt alone. he follows matt around like a puppy and matt is starting to get anoyed at it. zach does this after i get done telling to please leave matt aone that he is working on school work that he needs to get in ( his first monday nigh class is only weeks long and he has a major work load to get done in a short omount of time and can not to any of it while at work even on his lunch break).

I like having him around but i just wish he would listen more and i have brouhgt this up to my mom each nght when i take him back home so i am not sure what is going to happen with it. I have to keep reminding him that the other boys are only half his age and they are way smaller than him and that he can not be SO rough with them. ( he ike to body slam them on my bed, which is only held together with two bolts since we had to saw the box spring in half to get it up the steps)

Sorry if it seems like i am complaining alot here but i am just realy confused as to what to do. i don't want zach to think i do not want him around but yet at the same time i do not want the other three to feel that they have no say in their home. today michael and philip actually told me they do not want zach to come over. they just want to spend time with daddy after he comes home from work.

thanks for listening. I am off to start me second week of school with all my papers and reading.

hope you have a great time enjoying the holiday today and the weather.

we are planning on cooking out on the gril today for dinner ( chicken and steak)