My acceptence into Penn State

well i finally got confirmation that Penn State accepted my application for admission. I will start classes on August 24th, two days before the kids go back. My classes will end 12/11/09.

I will be enrolled a bachlor's degree program for Business. I plan on doing the mgmt/mktg option.

My first two classes are Financial & managerial Accounting for Decision Making, along with Introductory macroeconomic Analysis and Policy.

they are online classes as I am a world wide student with penn state for now and i plan to switch wiht taking my classes at an actually campus in a classroom once all the kids are in school. so i will be going part time for now which is ok with me. the good theing is that all the classes are about 15 weeks long instead of just 5.

I am thinking that when Jacob starts preschool next year i might go from 2 classes to 3 this way I can finish a little faster and at the same time work my way up to taking 4 classes when he goes to school full day.

I will try my best to keep up with my blog here along with going to school and marraige counseling. which by the way we do not go back till Aug.5th.

so far things are going alright with us since our first session. it felt good to go and get things out in the open and actually be able to start dealing with all that has been going on. it kind of felt like a weight is slowly being lifted off my shoulders. I just hope it continues to be lifted and not end up come crashing down on me again even harder.

first night of counceling, and an update

well as most of you can tell i have been away for quite some time. i have been going through a rough time here at home with my marriage again. we decided to go ahead and seek outside help this time. we are both in agreement that about seeing a marriage counseling. but the place we go to calls it marriage therapy.

It felt good to go lat night and get out of things out in the open to hear from someone else that we are not the only couple that have the same type of problems, and hopefully with some help we can work them out and move on.

As far as everything else in my life. things have been going alright. I graduated college with my associates degree in may of this year. I am also getting ready to go back for my bachelor's degree in a month. this time i am going to be attending a "regular" school. I will still be taking my classes online they just won;t be accelerated classes that last only 5 weeks long. Taking those classes like that was very stressful on my with the three kids at home at times.

As far as the kids go they are doing alright even with the tension between Matt and I. Philip is going into 1st grade and he is excited and keeps asking when school starts again. Michael is going to be repeating the second grade as we found out he has some learning disabilities and he is almost a year behind on his math & reading as well as being slight dyslexic. They are going to work on him with all this stuff this school year as well as Matt and I helping him at home.
Jacob turned three this past June. He is getting very big and he is actually pretty smart for his age at least i think he is. he knows most of his ABC's already and some of his colors, and he can count up to 7 already i believe it is. He can hit a baseball with throwing it up it them air and swinging a bat all on his own.

well that is about it.

well where to begin. first of all matt and i are still working through are problems taking one day at a time. I still have alot of trust issues to work on wiht him and i know that will take a lot of time. i also have some insecurities i need to deall with me on my own. But on the bright side we have been spending more time together and more time talking.

We went to the shore over the weekend for a day trip and it was nice. We got to spend the day together as a family and it was really nice. We are going to go to a car show this weekend near us(in Northampton). That is on Sunday and on Saturday we are going to be going out with a group of friend for an adult birthday party.

I am starting to get use to the idea that he has friends that are girls. I can't deny him that anymore than he can deny me my guy friends that i am close to. even though they may not live near me and i do not talk to them all that often but i still have them. and yes there are times when are chats get on the sexual side but it is all joking around and he knows that because matt has been there when they have happened.

so i am trying not to be a hypocrit about him having and talking to girls as friends but it is very hard. i told him i am jealous and that i have never been jealous before with anyone. I told him exactly how i feel about him and how he makes me feel.

I toild him how my heart aches when he is not near me and my stomach does summersaults when he is near me. I have never felt like this before and i have never been this in love before either. I told him that each and every day when he walks out that door to go to work my heart aches for him til he gets back no matter how much i may talk to him on his cell phone or the computer at work. My heart is not whole again till he is home and near me.

Am I crazy for feeling this way and telling him all this? I am not sure but it is how i feel and i wanted him to know. I want him to understand why it hurt me so bad to find those phone calls and those conservations to Alex. Why i am so jealous i do not know. she lives like 600 miles away. maybe it is because i am insecure about my looks and my weight. i have a feeling that she is prettier than me and a lot less skinner than me. I think that is what bothers me the most.

Well thanks to all who have made it this far in my blog today. I just need to get this all out and this seemed like the best place for me to do it.

by the way the kida are doing great in school and jacob is getting big. I have been helping my mom out still and she seems to be gettng a better each day. she is still on oxygen but now she has the smaller potable tanks that she can take with her easier.

well i know it has been a week or so since i last blogged but things have been crazy here as you can tell by my previous post. I did find outhtat hubby was up to stuuf with this girl on the internet. I found the conservations on the computer. ( yes i was snooping, but he gave me reason to ) I found the conservations from three days ( the night we went out for our anniversay, our actuall anniversary, and the morning after) all of which was wither right before or after we had made love. this is why i was so pissed off at him. i actually packed up a bag for me and the kids and left. I was planning o staying out all night at a hotel, with his money of course, but the kids were hollering to much to go home so i did. But only after i made him think i was not coming back at all.

well needless to say we had it out that night and for some odd reason he admitted everything and he made me lay my heart on the line like i have never done before. I had him on his knees in tears with what i was saying. I told him i am ready to leave and never come back becaue that is what my head was telling me to do but heart was telling me to stay and work through it.

so now we are back to taking it one day at a time. he even stopped talking to this girl at least here at hime anyway. I told him right out that i do not trust him like i did before and it is going to be a long time before i can trust him completely again.

he sais he understands that now and he is very sorry for breaking the trust in me and he will do anything and everything to get it back. he even offered to wipe all his accounts off the computer and only use it for school and talk to no one but me. but i felt guilty for some reason. i mean he shoud be able to have friends but i am sooo afraid of him talking to girls on the computer even if they are friends, except for you leslie. I guess it is becasue i don't know who they are and it bothers me.

i told him point blank that by him talking hte way he did to this girl made me feel unloved, undesirable, useless, pathethic, and gullable, and that our marriage was nothing but a big joke to him.

but now things are starting to look up again. He even cuddles with me at night now and he is not on the computer late at night or early in th morning and if he is talking to someone he lets me know and he even does it in front of me so i know what they are talking about. He has not been hiding anything from me as far as i know. but i am still very leary about it all.

but i will take what i can get at this point. Irealize that builing the trust back is going to be a long and slow process but as long as we are both willing to work on it, it is worth it in the end.

thanks for staying with me all the way to the end here on this blog.