well where to begin. first of all matt and i are still working through are problems taking one day at a time. I still have alot of trust issues to work on wiht him and i know that will take a lot of time. i also have some insecurities i need to deall with me on my own. But on the bright side we have been spending more time together and more time talking.

We went to the shore over the weekend for a day trip and it was nice. We got to spend the day together as a family and it was really nice. We are going to go to a car show this weekend near us(in Northampton). That is on Sunday and on Saturday we are going to be going out with a group of friend for an adult birthday party.

I am starting to get use to the idea that he has friends that are girls. I can't deny him that anymore than he can deny me my guy friends that i am close to. even though they may not live near me and i do not talk to them all that often but i still have them. and yes there are times when are chats get on the sexual side but it is all joking around and he knows that because matt has been there when they have happened.

so i am trying not to be a hypocrit about him having and talking to girls as friends but it is very hard. i told him i am jealous and that i have never been jealous before with anyone. I told him exactly how i feel about him and how he makes me feel.

I toild him how my heart aches when he is not near me and my stomach does summersaults when he is near me. I have never felt like this before and i have never been this in love before either. I told him that each and every day when he walks out that door to go to work my heart aches for him til he gets back no matter how much i may talk to him on his cell phone or the computer at work. My heart is not whole again till he is home and near me.

Am I crazy for feeling this way and telling him all this? I am not sure but it is how i feel and i wanted him to know. I want him to understand why it hurt me so bad to find those phone calls and those conservations to Alex. Why i am so jealous i do not know. she lives like 600 miles away. maybe it is because i am insecure about my looks and my weight. i have a feeling that she is prettier than me and a lot less skinner than me. I think that is what bothers me the most.

Well thanks to all who have made it this far in my blog today. I just need to get this all out and this seemed like the best place for me to do it.

by the way the kida are doing great in school and jacob is getting big. I have been helping my mom out still and she seems to be gettng a better each day. she is still on oxygen but now she has the smaller potable tanks that she can take with her easier.