Sorry it has been awhile sinc emy last post. I have been sick and so have the kids.

well we are better now except forme i have a head cold now but it is going away little by little.

I am in my last week of class for my marketing class. I fell behind with my work with being sick but got all caught up over the weekend, with hubby's help of course. I had to interview him for one of my papers.

On the home front things have been going good. Hubby and I are stil going strong with working things out. Haven;t had any set backs at all..

Things with my mom and zachary are good. I go over and see them almost everyday after i drop philip off at school while waiting to go back and get them at the end of the school day.

The Fair is approaching fairly fast and i have been working on things for that as well this past weekend. i went to leslie's house on sunday and we made our candles together. It was her birthday so i got spend time with her and it was nice not having any of my kids around for once.
Hubby kept them with him so we could get the candles done alot faster for the fair.

Byt he way for those of you know leslie, she is without a computer and internet for the moment so that is why you have not seem any post from her anywhere.

Well today i will be working on fair stuff and maybe some school stuff. I have a paper to do and a discussion board as well but they are both due no later than midnight CT on sunday the 9th.

i also have a tastefully simple party to do on the 8th. so i have to get ready for that as well. Which shouldn't be to bad since the host is making the food.

speaking of making food i have lots of baking to do next week and i have to make the bbq for the fair as well. Next week i am going to be swamped with fair stuff and school stuff becasue with school i start not 1 but TWO classes now that only last 5 weeks. so that meand double the amount of work for school. but at least i will have my mom helping me with the baking on friday and she will be helping out at the fair on saturday the 15th as well.

well that is about it for now i will try to get in here and post more before the fair gets here and after.

Well let me start off by saying things have been hectic here the past week or so.

I have had vender's pull out from the fair and have had new ones call me for spots so i have been going crazy with that since it is only a month away.

I have started my new class for school and i am already behind with work. I have a 2-3 page paper that was due last Sunday and i still have yet to get it in. Plus I have another 2-3 page paper and a 3-4 paragraph page due For class this Sunday by midnight CT.

I have been swamped with house work and doctor appointments again this week with my mom I am starting to think i may have taken on more than i can handle right now and in another 4 weeks i have my next set of classes starting and then I am in two classes at time which still only last for 5 weeks at a time.

But on a good note Hubby has still been supportive and helpful with all of it. We have had a few moments that were rocky again but we are working them out. SO things are still going pretty well with us.

I am happy and so is he and that i guess is what matters most right now and We know we both love each other and we are also starting to have a better understand of each other and how we feel about certain things. I just wish it didn't take us to almost destroy our marriage to figure it out.

We have even agreed to try to go out more as a couple if not just by ourselves every now and then. Although I am a little nervous about going out by myself and leaving him home alone with the kids and his computer. I told him right out i do not trust him to talk to Alex again in a manner that is not appropriate with him being married and that i would rather him not talk to her right now since i know she has feelings for him. So as far as i know he has not been talking to
her since I last caught him doing so and he lied to me about it. I gave him the ultimatum either he talking stops talking to her or i am out of here and no coming back this time. SO we will how long this lasts this time.

well this past weekend was great. Matt and I went out on Friday night for his class reunion. We all met for drink and hor derves. It was fun. He got to see a couple of people from his class. We didn't stay out to long as his mom was watching the kids.

Saturday we went to the counrty fair with the kids for a bit. We had fun walking around and talking to a bunch of people he knew form school. I got a bunch of books. They were first selling them 50 cents a book for soft cover. so i got about 6 of them and then they were selling them $1 a bag. so we went back and filled up a bag of books. We basically got kids books and some for hubby and I.

We came home from the fair and then we got ready for the dinner that my MIL paid for so we could could go. It was suppose to end at 9pm but we were the last to leave at around 10pm. WELL it was his whole class that left at 10. ( the 16 of us that were there, 8 alumni and their spouses). We came home while the rest of them went out somewhere else afterwards.

On sunday we just mainly did house work around the house and enjoyed eah others company with the kids.

Yesterday was back to the same old same old. Hubby had work and school and I had the house to look after as well as back to school for me. THe kids had school yesterday as well.

They go today and then tomorrow and are off till monday. Teacher inservices on thursday and friday this week. so i will be trying be hardest to get all my school work done asap this class.

well that was my week in review.

well this week seemed to fly by for me. I was on break from school between classes. I did do a good in my first online class. I got a final grade of a "B". that was with handing in a project a week late.

THe new dog is doing ok but he chewws on stuff and he has went in the house a couple of times but i did scare him with the sweeper the once.

This weekend we are going ot be taking the boys to hubby's class reunion/ county fair at the school he went to. Plus my mother in law has paid for hubby and i to go out for drinks and hor derves tonight from 7-9. plus we get a dinner tomorrow night as well i think or a lunchoen not sure what it is. but she had decided to pay for it all for us so we can have some time out alone again. She is even going to babysit the boys for us as well.

So hubby and I are looking forward to it. we have had a busy week but mainly him. he had school two night this week and didn;t get hime till late and then he had to work late one other night. then on wednesday night i ended up being out till almost 10 with my mom and zach. I took him shopping for new clothes and ten my mom took me out to dinner afterwards.

so 4 nights this week hubby and i have not had too much time togethert with each other at night. by the time he got home form school and i got back from schooping we were all tired. so we barely stayed up to talk and just bein each other company. we basically went right to bed soon after he got home and all.

So I hope you all had a good week and enjoy your weekend as well. I will try to get in and post ove the weekend and maybe even add a picture or two of the county fair with hte kids having a good time.

new poem

Ok here is something i have not done in awhile. Write a poem of sorts.
Having my marriage almost fall completely apart made me realize a few things even though we are having rough spots.




Sitting here all alone
thinking of you

wishing you were here
to wrap your arms around
me and hold me close

To feel you touch upon my breast
missing how good the caress is

your lips upon my neck
slowly placing soft kisses
as you send shudders of
sensations through me.

wanting, waiting, hoping
for that moment of desire
to wash through me.
letting me know
that we are right for each other
after all.

Well the weekend went ok this week. On friday we didn't do to much since hubby and I are still having some problems. He came home form work and we talked for a bit and then we went out to dinner with the kids and stopped at walmart so i could get a few things we needed for the house. It was payday for him and we do it each week.

On saturday we went to Go get hubby's haircut as we were going out later that night just the two of us. We are trying to do more things together jsut the two of us so we have time without the kids. We went out to a bar/ club with some other friends to celebrate a one's birthday. We had somewhat of a good time. hubby doesn't dance unless he is tipsy and the same with me. So we mainly sat there for a good part of the night. But it was good jsut getting out. Needless to say when we got home we were both a little down since it seemed that the others that invited us didn;t really seem to notice that we were there from hubby's point of view. So we had a few words and of course it leaded to a small fight about ALex again. It always seems to come back to her anymore.

Well anyway during the day on saturday after the haircut and before going out for the night we ended up going to a pet shelter and adopting a new dog. We now have a beagle named boomer as well as our Shiba Inu Mix named Lady Mae. They seem to be getting along fairly well. We have boomer for a trial of 2 weeks to make sure he will work with our family. He is so cute and the kids love him already. We feel he is a keeper and the newest member of our family.

On sunday we didn't do to much because of all the rain and boy was it raining. We did go back to walmart to get a few new dog supplies for boomer and of course lady. then we came home and we watched some tv and then as soon as my internet came back up I finished All 4 of my school papers that were due by midnight CST for my class. so today is my first day of break for a week before my next class starts. The car show we were to go to got postponed due to the rain.

I would have to say that even thought hubby and I had a few rough moments this weekend It was a good one. I really enjoyed myself this weekend and the time i spent with hubby.

well where to begin. first of all matt and i are still working through are problems taking one day at a time. I still have alot of trust issues to work on wiht him and i know that will take a lot of time. i also have some insecurities i need to deall with me on my own. But on the bright side we have been spending more time together and more time talking.

We went to the shore over the weekend for a day trip and it was nice. We got to spend the day together as a family and it was really nice. We are going to go to a car show this weekend near us(in Northampton). That is on Sunday and on Saturday we are going to be going out with a group of friend for an adult birthday party.

I am starting to get use to the idea that he has friends that are girls. I can't deny him that anymore than he can deny me my guy friends that i am close to. even though they may not live near me and i do not talk to them all that often but i still have them. and yes there are times when are chats get on the sexual side but it is all joking around and he knows that because matt has been there when they have happened.

so i am trying not to be a hypocrit about him having and talking to girls as friends but it is very hard. i told him i am jealous and that i have never been jealous before with anyone. I told him exactly how i feel about him and how he makes me feel.

I toild him how my heart aches when he is not near me and my stomach does summersaults when he is near me. I have never felt like this before and i have never been this in love before either. I told him that each and every day when he walks out that door to go to work my heart aches for him til he gets back no matter how much i may talk to him on his cell phone or the computer at work. My heart is not whole again till he is home and near me.

Am I crazy for feeling this way and telling him all this? I am not sure but it is how i feel and i wanted him to know. I want him to understand why it hurt me so bad to find those phone calls and those conservations to Alex. Why i am so jealous i do not know. she lives like 600 miles away. maybe it is because i am insecure about my looks and my weight. i have a feeling that she is prettier than me and a lot less skinner than me. I think that is what bothers me the most.

Well thanks to all who have made it this far in my blog today. I just need to get this all out and this seemed like the best place for me to do it.

by the way the kida are doing great in school and jacob is getting big. I have been helping my mom out still and she seems to be gettng a better each day. she is still on oxygen but now she has the smaller potable tanks that she can take with her easier.

well i know it has been a week or so since i last blogged but things have been crazy here as you can tell by my previous post. I did find outhtat hubby was up to stuuf with this girl on the internet. I found the conservations on the computer. ( yes i was snooping, but he gave me reason to ) I found the conservations from three days ( the night we went out for our anniversay, our actuall anniversary, and the morning after) all of which was wither right before or after we had made love. this is why i was so pissed off at him. i actually packed up a bag for me and the kids and left. I was planning o staying out all night at a hotel, with his money of course, but the kids were hollering to much to go home so i did. But only after i made him think i was not coming back at all.

well needless to say we had it out that night and for some odd reason he admitted everything and he made me lay my heart on the line like i have never done before. I had him on his knees in tears with what i was saying. I told him i am ready to leave and never come back becaue that is what my head was telling me to do but heart was telling me to stay and work through it.

so now we are back to taking it one day at a time. he even stopped talking to this girl at least here at hime anyway. I told him right out that i do not trust him like i did before and it is going to be a long time before i can trust him completely again.

he sais he understands that now and he is very sorry for breaking the trust in me and he will do anything and everything to get it back. he even offered to wipe all his accounts off the computer and only use it for school and talk to no one but me. but i felt guilty for some reason. i mean he shoud be able to have friends but i am sooo afraid of him talking to girls on the computer even if they are friends, except for you leslie. I guess it is becasue i don't know who they are and it bothers me.

i told him point blank that by him talking hte way he did to this girl made me feel unloved, undesirable, useless, pathethic, and gullable, and that our marriage was nothing but a big joke to him.

but now things are starting to look up again. He even cuddles with me at night now and he is not on the computer late at night or early in th morning and if he is talking to someone he lets me know and he even does it in front of me so i know what they are talking about. He has not been hiding anything from me as far as i know. but i am still very leary about it all.

but i will take what i can get at this point. Irealize that builing the trust back is going to be a long and slow process but as long as we are both willing to work on it, it is worth it in the end.

thanks for staying with me all the way to the end here on this blog.

well things have been going here with school but today i kind of confirmed my suspicions on some things.

hubby has been so secretive again lately with the computer. well i went to go print some stuff of the comouter and instead of taking my computer upstairs and trying to find room i decided to log on to the other computer( the one that hubby uses) only to come across i couldn't get into the email account.

so i have a feeling he is cheating on me with someone. he is always on the computer and he doesnlt even sleep int he bed anymore. and when i question him he jsut says he is talking to a friend and when i ask him which friend (figuring if i knew them i tell he to say hello for me, being polite and all) and just responds, Just a friend and in a huffy voice. and when i ask him about not sleeping in our bed he says he has no room becaue the kids are asleep in the bed. but any other time they fall asleep in the bed he moves them and he has not been doing that lately.

i get no were when i ask him anything anymore. he is always on the computer as soon as he gets home til he goes to bed and then again as soon as he gets up till he leaves for work.

I know he has school work to do as well but not that much that he has to be on the computer all the time. I mean my classes are only 5 weeks long and i am not on the computer all day everyday. i mean my comouter is always on but i am not always at it.

so now i am not sure where i stand here and i am tired of fighting with him to get answers. I guess this just might be the beginning of the end, and if it is i do not know what to do or where i am to go. seeing that i have three kids and am in school and have no job.or even any money saved up at all to support myself with the kids.

well sorry for rambling on i just need to get this off my chest and this was the best place to do it i figured. thanks to thise who have made it to the end of this blog.

i'll try to post again soon.

well it has been a couple of days since my last blog. I have been busy with school work. I have been working on my first 2-3 page paper and my first discussion board paper that consist of 3-4 paragraphs.

I have been trying to juggle all this on top of the kids in school and with having zach calling me each day to come over and see the boys.

it is going alright except for the fact that i feel zach thinks he can do what ever he wants here becasue my mom is not around. I am constantly yelling at him for doing things that he is not suppose to be doing and they are the same things my mom had just got done telling him about right before we left their hotel room.

and he will not leave matt alone. he follows matt around like a puppy and matt is starting to get anoyed at it. zach does this after i get done telling to please leave matt aone that he is working on school work that he needs to get in ( his first monday nigh class is only weeks long and he has a major work load to get done in a short omount of time and can not to any of it while at work even on his lunch break).

I like having him around but i just wish he would listen more and i have brouhgt this up to my mom each nght when i take him back home so i am not sure what is going to happen with it. I have to keep reminding him that the other boys are only half his age and they are way smaller than him and that he can not be SO rough with them. ( he ike to body slam them on my bed, which is only held together with two bolts since we had to saw the box spring in half to get it up the steps)

Sorry if it seems like i am complaining alot here but i am just realy confused as to what to do. i don't want zach to think i do not want him around but yet at the same time i do not want the other three to feel that they have no say in their home. today michael and philip actually told me they do not want zach to come over. they just want to spend time with daddy after he comes home from work.

thanks for listening. I am off to start me second week of school with all my papers and reading.

hope you have a great time enjoying the holiday today and the weather.

we are planning on cooking out on the gril today for dinner ( chicken and steak)

i know it has been awhile since my last blog but things have been really busy here lately. I am seeing my 16 year old son again after 6 1/2 -7 years. Well i have also been talking to my mom and dad again. I took my mom to her doctor's appointment and I hae even brought her laundry home to do it as well. The good thing is that she is paying me to do it all. So on top of all my school work for my classes that started on monday. Michael and Philip started school on monday as well. Michael did really well Philip cried a bit on tuesday when i droppped him off. When i went to gp pick them up I had Zach with me and Philip was so proud of himself that he walked down the hall to the door without crying and with Michael's teacher that he had in 1st grade.

So I had a talk with my mom about zach with him always waning me to get him everyday and i told her that if I did n;t have school i'd gladly have him everyday during the day but i need to get my school work done so i can't get him everyday. but i will get him as much as i can as long as i have time to do my school work as well.

Jacob has been a little "stinker" in a sense. He warmed up to my mom and dad very fast. He even asked to go see grandpa yesterday after i dropped philip off at school.

So i can say that things are going good with me and my parents at this time and with matt and I with all the kids and school.

Hope everyone else has been doing alright and has a good week in case I do not get a chance to get in here for a couple of days. As soon as i Upload my pictures in my computer i will add a few of the kids from their first day of school.

i took zachary home last night at around 9pm. as i was droppign him off i saw my dad. i was a little nervous at first but he waved to me and he even came over to the car and was talking to me a bit. he was telling me that they knew zach was with me all day and they ( him and my mom) have no problem with it. They left it up to him ( zach).

So when i went to leave i stopped byt he roomthey are staying in to see my mom ( yes leslie, i know what you are thinking, (WHAT) ). Well it turned out that i did not get home myself till about 2 am. I had michael and philip with me as well. they were playing around in the room and then thye didn;t want to leave unless i brought zach back with me.

well my mom and i were talking and i found out she has COPD and the first time she ws in the hospital she ws in a coma for 8 days. dad and her said that if she would of waited one more day she would of died. ( now i know i always said i didn't care about how she was doing and that if she dropped in front of me saying she was dying and needed my help i would just keep walking)
well i do not feel that way now. actually i am not sure how i feel. somehow i guess you could say that a lot of the anger in no longer there. not sure why but it is not.

my mom has to be on oxygen 24/7 and she can't go to many places at all. she can;t even walk over the the resturant that is like right next door. ( the friendy's ---- leslie).

i found out my dad ended up having to take a $5 paycut where he works or be out of a job completely. didn't get the whole story there as to why. Just something about he had to have surgery on his hands and couldn;t go back to the same position he was at.

so when i left zach wanted to spend the night here and my mom told him no not tonight you know i can not be here alone and since we do not know if uncle brad will be back i need you to stay here. she told him he could spend the night tomorrow night ( meaning tonight)
so michael and philip are all excited about it and matt is even ok with it. so i will have my first overnight visist with him tonight.

i know this blog is long but i just need to get this out and off my chest. so thanks for reaing it all the way to the end . I will blog more later tonight and post any updates as to this post itself.

have a good day. i am going to go get my massage now.

today i was a little early and got some things done before i headed out hte door to the store to pick up a few things. While iwas out zachary called me to come pick him up so he could come over for a visit again. that was about 12:30 and he is still now at 8:30. told me he doesn't have to be "home" till 9:30.

I just have a alot of thoughts running through my head. Like how can he call a hotel room home. i know he has been living there for about a year or so now but still. I mean all he eats is Tv dinners or anything that you can make in a microwave. or he said he eats at friendy's once in awhile.

So we had hot dogs and hamburgers with french fries for dinner tonight. he wants to come over tomorrow as well. I mean i have no problem with him coming over but i do have school work i would like to start on before the first official day sinc emy classes are only 5 weeks long. I do not really want to sit here and do it while he is here visiting and make him feel like i am ingorning him and that i do not want to spend time with him or talk to him.

i know the boys like spending time with him expecially Michael. Michael asked when he could spend the night already and i told him we had to take it slow.

he is actually getting along wiht matt very well as of now. There is just one little thing that bothers me wiht him and that is he has a tendency to yell when he talks. He talks really loud for some reason. but i guess i can try to get him to tone it down a bit at least while he is here anyway. ( i'll just have to keep on him to tone it done a bit)

I figures i'd post now so that way when i get back from taking him "home" i can maybe sit down and read a bit of my school book since i have three chapters to read and a discussion question to answer that has to be 3-4 paragraphs and a 3-4 page paper to write all due by next sunday at midnight. ( like i have to tell you leslie) .

At least when school starts on monday i will have plenty of time to read and do my work. Since the boys will be in school i already told zachary that i will not be able to get him during the day for a while just till i get the hang of this schooling thing again.

well i hope you all have a good night

Visit wth Zachary

Today i had a really enjoyable day. I had spent the majority of the day with Zachary. I met him at the park at 1pm and he actually came back here to the house with me and the boys. Michael was so excited that zachary remembered him and played with him. Philip was great with him as well and jacob took some time to warm up to him. but once they all got to know each other very well they all got along very well. I even took pictures of them all together.



I finally took him back "home" about 8 pm. he ate dinner here with us. He surprised me by asking to stay here to see matt when he got home from work. they all played some video games. He even asked when he could come over again and play with his brothers.



he even called me mom and gave me a hug when he left.



i am at a lost for words on that one and not sure what to make out of all of this. he told me that he does not really care what ny mom says about him talking to me and seeing his brothers.



so i am not sure what to think at this point i just do not want to see the boys get hurt. they really loved having him around today i think. they all wanted to go with me to take him "home"

but i only took michael and philip wiht me. so when i got home jacob asked me where Zachary was.

ok so I heard back from zachary but i didn;t get to read is message till about an hour ago and he had said about meeting him tonight in about 45 minutes from the time he posted my message, which was around 7pm. i had already left the house to go to my MRI. I didn't get to read his message till about 8:15. so i messaged him back saying why i didn;t meet him tonight but am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow at around 1pm.

My MRI went fairly well i still do not know the results of it yet. I have to drop the disk off at the doctors tomorrow for them to view. so i most likey wont know anything till friday night when i go back for my appointment.

I have my massage on saturday morning as well. I came home form my MRI and joined in a live chat for my school. It was nice to get familiar with things ahead of time and meet some other people in my bus 105 class.

I had a good night so i hope you all have had a good night as well.

I just wanted to stop in and let everyone know that i have heard back from zachary and he definately wants to meet me and the 3 boys when ever i am available. His only request was that matt not be there at first. I can understand and respect that.

I am however a little nervous about meeting him but i did pick a place that is not far from where matt works in case anything happens and i need him to show up ASAP. ( like my mom being there and starting something major)

I had suggested tomorrow at around 1pm at the park he had mentioned in his first message to me. So i am waiting on a reply back from that.

I know michael is excited to meet him once again. we do have some pictures of zachary in the house but they are from when michael was only about 6-7 months old and zachary was holding im in the pictures. so when michael sees them as asks who that is in the picture i have always told him it is his brother zachary. so he is very excited to see him once again.

i am just hoping that i am not setting my self up for a big ambush on my part with my mom, dad and my brother for some reason. but it is a chance i am willing to take. if anything seems suspicious and feels out of sinc i can always get the kids back in the car and leave.

so i will let you all know if i hear back from him.

I also have my MRI tonight in about 2 1/2 hours so i will update you on that as to what i find out about it tonight if anything.

hope you are all having a good day.


I have also added a section to my blog on what books i am currently studying/reading for school as i have gotten my first set of books, which happens to be an e-book for now. I am hoping ot actually get a copy of the book and it will only cost me $50 and I will have it two days (shipping days) after i pay for it.

Today I had an intake appointment for Philip at Kidspeace outpatient about him not sleeping right at night and his outburst with his temper. He was daignosed with Disrubtive behavior disorder before and we have done the wrap around services which incluse a behavior specialist, mobile therapist, and a theraputic staff specialist. so now we are going to look at medication to help go with that. he gets so frustrated so easily and wehn things get really bad he breaks his own toys and really gets agressive with us all. I want ot stop it before Jacob starts in with it as a learned behavior and since philip is starting kindergarten i am getting concerned since he has to have things right away wehn he askes for something or else he go into a raging fit.

During the intake michael acted up so bad the director had to come and take him out of the roomjsut so i could answer the questions. i ended up there over an hour and a half. After the intake was over i went by the park where zachary had said he goes but he was not there and i still have not heard back from him as to when he wants to meet if he still does.

After I cam home from all that I logged into my school and started going over all my school stuff. I got my book today which happens to be an e-book so it is all online. I actually printed out a chapter or two to start with soi can take it with me in the car when the kids start school.
I then had my open house at 8pm tonight. so matt made dinner and kept the kids quiet for me which shocked me. i was expecting the kids to run around and being loud while it ws going on and they weren't.

I actually met someone in my class that is not that far from me. so we had exchanged emails and cell phone numbers. the funny thing is that her name is JODI. so we re hoping that we end up in the same group for our group project.

so that was my day. Tomorrow i have a chiropractor appointment in the morning and my MRI at 7pm so depending on how i am afterwards i will blog about how it went.

well i hope you all had a good day and a good night.

well just wanted to let you all know that i did not hear back from zachary as to when we are to meet if at all. but the rest of my night did go alright. i made another stop at the chiropractor for my back and hip and i go back on wed. and fri. so now i go mon, wed, and fri till further notice and get a massage once a week as well.

i should be getting my school books tomorrow so i am all excited about that. i can actually get a head start on reading the material and looking over everything. so i am going to try to get as much done around the house as possible tomorrow as well in between doctor appointements and going to the store.

the kids got to play a little in their pool for a bit today as well. we started tehm back on their routine for school as far as bedtime but it was tough going tonight but hopefully they will be better tomorrow night.

I still have a bunch of stuff to get htem for school but have not enough money to get it all right now. so michael is using his pack pack from last year once again for now. he really needs a new one but i have to wait till next friday (the 29th) to get him one. so he will have to go a week with his one from last year. just hoping it holds up. it is almost ripped through on the bottom.

well that is about it. I am going to head off to bed so i can get up early tomorrow hopefully.

hope everyone had a good day.

getting surprised

well i just got a surprise or a shock you could say. I got a message from my 16 year old son on my myspace page earlier today. I have not spoke to him in almost 7 years and i have not seen him since then either. It is quite a long story as to why but some you already know the whole story.
For those of you who do not i will summarize it. i had zachary when i was 18 going 0n 19 and i lived with my parents and was not with his father at the time. We had split up when i was about 3 months pregnant and ried to get back together later down the road. ( he is the one i have talked about in my very first couple of posts).

Well when zachary was three i had decided to go to college, with my mom's help i got in to the community college here by where i live. I had decided to go full time and live on campus but i could not have him with me and i had felt like he was my litle brother more than anything. always having to ask to do things with him and take him anywhere wiht me, even for a walk around the block.

so when things came to go to court, at the time there were to be no laywers involved only to find out when i got to court my parents had a laywer. I ended up with no visitation and no rights.

well I have tried to work things out with my mom many times and the lsat time was when michael was born 7 1/2 years ago. well that worked for about a year and then it came down to her wanting me to take michael and leave matthew, my husband to live back at home with her and zachary. and when i had said no she told me i was not allowed to see, write, or call zachary anymore. not even as much as send him a cad inthe mail or she would press harassmant charges against me , at the time i had no lawyer as to the fact my inlaws and i were not getting along.
so that is when i had to start paying support even though i have no right to him.

well i have found out that my mother has full blown lung cancer and i honestly do not know how to feel. I do not feel sad or anything and part of me feels ashamed for that but then i look at how she treated me and think she deserves it.

so this is my shock/ surprise for the day so far.

Zachary wants to meet me at the park near where he is living (the Red Roof Inn), yes he is living in a hotel with my parents. they still have full custody of him.

So matt and i talked a bit and decided to go ahead and tell him we would meet him there when he wants to. He is 16 years old now. so i figured he is able to make up is own mind as to what he wants. as far as seeing me and the boys, his half brothers.

i'll let you know how it goes if and when we meet up tonight.

well my weekend was a good one.

We went to the drive-in movies last night with the kids and saw star wars: the clone wars and the dark night. we didn;t get home till almost 2am. The kids had a blast. they actually met a few kids and were playing around till the movie started. Once the movie started they sat outside on a blanket with the other kids for just the whole movie (star wars) and then came in the car for the second movie. we had the back seats lay down flat so they were able to fall asleep in the car while matt and i watched the second movie ( the dark night). we had a great time and dcided to do it again wiht the kids as a treat to them. and maybe even over the summer next year we might be able to take them a couple of times if they behave.

I enjoyed the movies but got cold. I made the mistake of wearing a tanktop not thinking it was going to get as cold as it did. The windows frosted over on the inside since we had the hatch back open. (just the glass part).

today we went and did a couple of errands that we put off yesterday so we could do stuff around the house and have an early dinner so we could get to the drive in early and get a good spot.

I am sore today though but i think it is mostly from doing things outside yesterday. we cleaned out hte kids pool and the vaccumed out hte car and stuff and i think i over did it. sitting in the car for how many hours watching not one but two movies didn;t help either.

so now i am in pain but oh well. I have to call about the getting my MRI done tomorrow and take the kids back to the doctors to get their TB shot checked.

So now i am ready to head to bed so i can have a fresh start tomorrow and hopefully get up early since i am still tired from getting in late last night or very early this morning how ever you want to lok at it. I got up ealry you could say for not going to bed till almost 2:30 am i was up at about 9am.

so i hope you all had a good weekend and enjoyed yourself.

Well i made all my appointments yesterday and actually had a few minutes to spare. So i was able to catch my breath and relax a bit.

Jacob and Philip had a good DR. visit. Jacob ended up getting 7 shots and philip got 6 shots. I have to take them back on monday to get thier TB shot checked. They are growing just fine. The doctor actually said that Jacob is advanced in his talking than most two year olds. but then again he has two older brothers that he is around the majority of the time. He jsut starting really talking since school got out over the summer so he is doing really well with it. He is able to talk in full sentences more than the other two did at that age.

My school orientation went very well and I am all set to start my classes on the 25th. I have open house on the 19th I believe it is. SO i will try to do that. It is online as well and i am hoping the kids cooperate enought to let me do it since it is at night.

I had wanted to post all this last night but my internet was down and i gave up trying to get it to go through and went to bed and i was busy again today and for got to post this morning.

so this is a double post you could say.

AS for today I ended up getting up fairly early but not as early as I had wanted to. I cleaned up my room and then straightened up the kitchen and the kids room a bit. I had left to go get DH'S paycheck and go to the bank and get gas and stop at teh store. We went out to lunch after getting his checked cashed as a family. It was nice to have lunch for once with him. After Dh came home I went to my chiropractor appointment and the doctor said they are definatly sending me for an MRI becasuse she did not like the lump on my the back of my upper hip area and wants me to get it checked out. After the adjustment I had my massage. It was nice to get one but it did hurt a bit when she got to my hip and leg that were bothering me. It took a little longer tonight than it normally does because the doctor had pulled the massage person to the side and told her to really work my hip area.

So now i go for a massage every week, mostly they are on saturday mornings now since they have no nights opened up and i can't do during the day even with the two older ones in school becasue I still have jacob with me. but it give Dh some time with the kids on his own in the morning by himself. and i still get a little relaxing time to myself. ( i get pampered for about an hour)

well i hope everyone has a great weekend. I will try to post over the weekend. We are treating the kids to a movie at the drive ins tomorrow night for the first time so i am hoping they will be good throught the whole thing.

well today was a fairly busy day for me at least in the morning. I went grocery shopping wiht all three boys. i was surprised that they were actually very well behaved for once.

After i got back and put all the food away i was able to relax a bit and catch my breath for awhile.



then i took the boys outside to play for a bit till dh got home. when he got home i went to the chiropractor again and found out i need to go get a MRI and get my thyriod checked again. so i have a feeling that my pain in my left hip and knee might be more serious then i was first led to believe. so i won't find out till after friday.


After the chiropractor appointment DH and I went to the hall i rented for the fair to take some measurements and to see how may tablws they had and if they would fit the way we wanted toset them up. Come to find out that we were 7 tables short at the moment so we came home and i called the lady in charge of renting the hall and found out that they had 4 more in the kitchen. DH and I did not think to check the kitchen fo the tables so now we are only 3 tables short.

So i am going to try to call the rental place tomorrow to see if we can rent 3 tabled from them and how much it would be. Along with having to take two of the boys to the dr's for shots and a checkup and then i have to drop stuff off at one friends house and pick up something from another friends house after going to the bank. then i have to pay a bill and then get home for school orientation for myself.

well today was a good day for me as far as my back and my hip went. I guess getting to the chiropractor last night helped a bit. I guess it didn;t hurt that i took a muscle relaxer last night before i went to bed as well. that is probably why i got up a little later than normal once again. they seem to knock my butt out.

I got to visit with my "sister" today for a bit and we had fun. I really wish we could get together more than we do but with all the kids and the gas prices. traveling back and forth to each others house, even thought we are not that far from each other, is a bit hard now a days.

I had to take michael to the Dr's today for his med check for his ADHD and he is doing really well on his med. so they gave me another months supply, actually a prescription for it and i hae to get it filled yet. but that is what tomorrow is for.

as for tomorrow i have to go grocery shopping and straighten up the house. and the rest of the week is just as busy with another visit to the doctor for jacob and philip for thier shots and school physical and i have my school orientation and paying bills as well a finishing up laundry again. not to mention two more trips to the chiropractors for adjustments andthen a massage but that is right after i get an adjustment so i do not have to leave and go back again.


then hopefully i can relax over the weekend once again and finish my book that i am not even half way through yet and was hoping to have finished reading by the time my classes start but i should be able to do it.

UPDATE

first of all let me start by saying i know it has been awhile since my last post and i am sorry. things have been hetic around here with trying to get my avon account figured out and all. I have been busy trying to get the house in order for when school starts. cleaning out the closets with unwanted clothes and clothes that do not fit anymore for all the three boys as well as DH and myself.

I somewhat have my avon account figured out it will just take about 6-8 weeks to be officially back in orderso until that time i need to talk to my aunt about having an account in her name so i can get stuff i need for the vender's fair in NOV.

We have also decided to a fair in the spring/ summer next year as well as the fall/ winter one that i do each year. so now i will be doing two a year. so hopefully things will start to pick up again for me in that area.

on the flip side. we have all been doing well here. I am still going to the chiropractor for my sciatica nerve and my back. all from the accident i was in back in june. my back and hip area have been really bothering that in fact i was more or less Bed ridden all of yesterday. I was stuck on the couch all day and the pain was so bad i had to break down and takw a muscle relaxer, which put me to sleep for a good part of the day, even though i didn't really want to.

the kids are getting anxoius to go back to school or in philip's case to start school. I still have a bunch to get them for school yet but it is jsut the school suplies like folders, pencils, and notebooks, all of which i think i still have left overs from last year. so it is just a matter of going through what i have here and seeing what we still need.

well that is about all that has been going on here. besides the usuall house work like laundry, dishes, and regular cleaning. ( which hubby did alot of on saturday ) He even cooked me dinner tonight. what a surprise that was.

well today was a very interesting and stressful day. I found out that my avon account is all MESSEd up again. i was submitting orders just ot have them cancelled on me without being notified. I have been waiting for an order to come in for a week now and i had to call to find out what had happened to it. So i had to call ALL my customers and explain to them what was going on. I then had to contact my upline manager and put my orders in through her. So hopefully i will get them on time now.

I also found out that Philip will be going to Kindergarden in the Afternoon starting at 12:40 and then getting done at 3:20. Needless to say i was not to happy about that, I was hoping he would go in the morning but oh well. I can still try to get my school work started before he goes to school and then work on some of it after i drop him off.

We also woke up today to find out that Jacob is running another fever again but no sign of any infections any where. so they think it is his molar coming in still in the way back. He is active as usuall and he is not clingy and cranky ( which is good).

On the postive side i have been getting up early this week so far. i am trying to get up at the same time each day this week and then going to push to get up a half hour earlier starting next week and by the third week i am hoping to up at least an hour and a half before i have to get eh kids up for school. This way i can my coffee and my email checked before they are even up and have my school stuff all set to go for the day.

well not much else has been going on here. just been trying to keep everything pretty well organized and clean so it stays that way ( keeping fingers crossed) for now on and not have to do any major cleaning all in one shot. mainly just the straightening up and normal light cleaning through out the day.

Well first let me say aorry i didn't post yesterday. I was planning on blogging before i went to bed but sleep came faster for me than expected. Guess those past two nights of not really sleeping to ggod caught up with me .

Well today I cleaned up the house a bit and then we decided to run to walmart to get a battery for our other ar so we won't be down to just one car anymore.

Yesterday hubby got paid so i wsa running around doing things after i went and picked up his check while i had the car for a bit. I had to run hubby to the bank and cash his check and then take him to get lunch. Then i had to go to my other bank and deposit the monsy so i could pay the bills after putting gas in my car ( which i got at 3.78 a gal, at Bj's ). well worth the $45 to renew my yearly membership just for the gas alone.

I came back home and left the kids play in their pool for a bit and after i went to the chiropractor for my hip again once hubby got home. ( found out i need to go for massages as well) AS soon as got back we went to go do some shopping for things we needed and stopped for a bite to eat. ( didn't feel like cooking)

Once we came home i ended up taking Jacob to lay down upstairs in our room where it was nocce and cool and ended up falling asleep with him and slept till 7:30 this morning. Upon coming downstairs and sitting on the couch i managed to fall back to sleep till about 10:30.

SO i ended up getting a later start today than i had wanted but i did get alot of things done.
and Hubby made dinner tonight all by HIMSELF.

So after dinner i have been sitting at my computer trying to get a stupid template to work for me but it will not work no matter what i type in it. IT keeps printing out wrong saying i am not within the margins. WTF it is the template from avery itself for the product i bought and it won;t work. I am getting really ticked off here.

So i am about ready to throw in the towel and try something else.

well that has been my day today.

we are hoping to go walk around Musikfest a bit tomorrow if the weather holds up.

Even LOOONGER DAY!!!

well i took jacob to the ear dr ans they said that everything is fine. HE passed all his test but they want to keep watch on him so i have to take him bak in 2-3 months for another check-up.

it has been a very long day today. I am sooo tired. I did get lucky thought that jacob has been a little better and not as cranky as yesterday. He took a pretty long nap for me today this afernoon. Just wish i could of laid down with him for a bit but with michael and philip up and running around it was impossible to do. So i am hoping that he sleeps better tonight and that i get some rest tonight.

I have alot of errand to run tomorrow after hubby get his check. So i am hoping to get a good's night rest.



I didn;t do to much today excpet struggle to stay awake.

well i am off to bed now everyone.

HOpe you all had a better day than i had and hopefully we all have a good day tomorrow.

LOOOOONG NIGHT

well last night was a VERY LONG night. I barely slept at all. JAcob was up like every hour to hour nad a half. I slpet like in half hour spurts. I am not sure what is wrong with him but he is not running a fever at all. He was pretty content during the day yesteray though while I worked on Vender fair stuff again.

I got ALOT done. I was able to laminate the 5 signs i made for the chinese auction, 3 Signs for the refreshments, 3 signs for the desserts, and about half of the vender drink passes i made.

I did all that after revising them and printing them out.

I am hoping that Jacob is really not coming down with anything at all and that it is just his molars coming in on the bottom. He goes to an ear specialist today so we will see if it is an ear infection or not and what the dr says. We have our appointment at 11:15 today and thankfully my MIL is coming to watch Michael and Philip so i can take him by myself.

Hope you all have a good morning and I'll post again later to let you all know how the dr. Appointment went

cranky kids

well today i gotten up early like i had wanted to but only aften getting up at 3 am then going back to bed for about 2 1/2 hours. Jacob woke up early and i finally got him back to bed at around 3am. so needless to say i did not really want to get up when the alarm went off at 5:30 and again at 6am.

I reluctenly got out of bed and came downstairs. i made hubby make coffee while i tried to wake up a little. I ended up having 3 cups of coffee before i was able to to fully function.

i got lucky thought and was able to get things done around the house this morning since the kids slept in till about 9 am except for michael he slept till 10. that is wehn i woke him up.

i had a doctors appointment at 10:30 to get back adjusted again today. it is still a little store form the adjustment and the we went to the community college so i could pick up some papers i needed for my new school.

After that we came home and i left the kids play in the pool but all they did was scream that each other was splashing the other, so after about 1/2 hour of it i made them come out and go inside as a punshimnet for not listening to me.

we then had lunch and i was able to sit and read some more of my new book that i had started while jacob slept for a bit. he was the one that was really cranky today. everytime i turned around he was right there crying over who knows what, because everytime i would ask him ehat he wanted he would just cry some more. I just think he was still tired from not sleeping last night.

after we ate dinner jacob still was very cranky and clingy as well. I hope he is not coming down with anything he just got over being sick about 1 1/2 weeks ago i believe.

i am hoping that he sleeps better tonight as i am hoping to get alot of stuff done tomorrow since i have two doctor appointments on thursday and hubby won;t be home till late.

so that is how my day was today. hope yours was better than that.

Relaxing Day of Sorts

well today i didn;t get up as early as i had wanted to but i will shoot for tomorrow agin to ge tup fairly early.

i did laundry, dishes, and cleaned my bedroom all before 11 this morning.

i ended up home all day since hubby had to take my car to work today as his is still sitting at the dealership waiting to be looked at since friday morning. He had to have it towed.

So now i need to make sure i am up earlier in themorning as i have to take him to work tomorrow so i can have my car to get a few things done for school and i have chiropractor appointment again because of my hip. It is actually my sciatica nerve and the dr. i talked to this morning told me going to a chiropractor should help.

so i ended up going to my chiropractor tonight after hubby came home from work and boy did it hurt when he was pushing on my hip area where i showed himthe pian was. it actually brought tears to my eyes.

so i have an ice pack to use and he told me to go ahead and use my seat massager with the heat on it as well.

so that was my day today. pretty relaxing and all.

hope everyone had a great day.

t-storms, lack of sleep, hospital visit

well let me just start by telling you that we had a bunch of thunderstorms early this morning at around 3 am. i was wide awake for them becasue i made the stupid mistake of having not one but 2 cups of coffee last night at around 8:30-9:00pm. Least to say i did not get to bed till about 6 am this morning after dealing with the boys with being afraid of the storms because of all the thunder and lightening.

I did get to sleep till about 10:30 am today. hubby was nice and let me sleep in since i was up so late. well not long after waking up we ended up with another thunderstorm. the boys were a little better today witht he storms since it was daylight out.

then after i spent most of the early afternoon printing things out for my vender's fair. I decided to go and get my left hip checked at the er. ( i was in a car accident last month) I decided this only after my insurance company told me to go get it checked out due to the fact that it was still bothering me even after a month had passed. i figured it was to late to go but she told me to go and get it checked out in case it was something major.

but it turned out to be my sciatic nerve in my leg. they took x-rays to be sure that no other damage visibile. so they put me on a 600 mg pain reliever and a muscle relaxer.

so i may be going back to the chiropracter not sure yet. i have to call them tomorrow.

needless to say i am very tired tonight and i am hoping ot start my scheduel that i have in mind for me and the boys starting tomorrow morning.

so i am headng to bed now and i hope you all had a great day and enjoy the remainder of the night.

Semi productive day

well today i drained the kids pool and cleaned it out then refilled it. that was a task and a half. thankfully hubby helped me with that after he cut the grass. I also cleaned out the garage a bit more today. we are trying to get it cleared out enough to put the other car for the winter,( his grandmothers car).

After the pool was done i decided to work on my vender's fair stuff. I made a couple of calls to some new venders that will hopefully participate this year. after all the calls i decided to work on the list of stuff we need for the event and all the places we are going to advertise.

then i decided to work on all the signs and the vouchers for all the participants. Hubby and I decided to put together a welcome packet for each vender with all the stuff they are going to need that day including 5 free chinese auction tickets, as well as the vouchers for their free lunch, and drinks.

So that has been my day today.


Hope everyone had a great day today.

Tomorrow i am hoping to be able to just relax a bit after i go to the store in the morning before breakfast.

Lazy Day

well today was just a semi lazy day today. I stayed home all day and did laundry.
i also worked on some of my avon stuff and and a few things for my vender's fair that i am doing in November.

I also read more in my book today so now i am over half way through it.

the boys were good today and mainly relaxed most of the day today which is unusual for them not to be at each others throat all day long.

so today was not a very productive day but i did get up alot earlier today than i have been.

so that is a postive thing.

so not really much of antything else went on today.

tomorrow we are going to clean out the kids pool and refill it maybe, depending on what the weather is to be like for the next couple of days.

well i hope everyone else had a good day today.

It Official

I got hte call form the school today telling me that I had got accepted. So all i had to do was finish the financial aid papers, which i did yesterday.

So my advisor gave me all the dates already for the open house, new student start and early class login in. SO everything is set for the 25th of August. Not only an I excited but i am very eager to start. I know i have the support of the family and my friends, expecially Leslie, as she is taking the same classes i am for now. she just started before me.

so we will have each other to go to for help and encourgement as well as support for the classes.

I am going to try to get in here on a daily basis and keep you updated on how well the classes are going and other things as well.

If I can;t get in everyday I promise to do it at least once a week. Seeing as Hubby, Michael, and Philip will all be starting school the same day.

so it has been an eventful day for me so far today and it is only 3:00 in the afternoon.

i may come back in and post agai later tonight if i get the chance as i have my aunt coming over to discuss her wedding plans. I am standing up for her at the wedding on Halloween this year.

going back to school

well it looks like i get to go back to school and finish my degree.
If all goes well i will be starting onthe 25th of august right along with Michael, and Philip.
I will be doing most of my school work while Philip is in school half a day.
All my classes will be online and only about 5 weeks long for each class.
I am anxious to start because that means i will finish the same time as Matthew.
So then we will both have our bachlor's degree in business administration but in differnet areas.
so if i am not around much starting in august this is the reason why.

but i will try to get in here to keep you updated on how schooling goes. I am taking my classes through an online school called AIU online. I even get financial aid and my tution includes the price of all books and materials.

Like I said I am really excited about this as i have been wanting to go back for some time now but just never coould get the classes i needed to finish up my associates degree to work with my schedule of other things with the kids and hubby's school schedule as well. So now I don't have to wait anymore and by the time I am done I will have a great sence of accomplishment towards myself.

update

well it has been awhie since i had been in here.

i am not good at blogging everyday i guess.

well here id the update on me.

i have still been talking to tom, zachary's father, but not as often and i guess i finally figures out my feelings on everything. i am most certain that the feelings i was having were from not talking to him in such a long time and just reminising on the past and all the fun stuff stuff and the good times we shared.

but i know my heart lies with my hubby, matthew and my family with him. i guess a part of me will always belong to tom for the son he gave me even thought i do not get to see him or talk to him at this time.

but at least we both decided we can be civil to each other and at least be friends.

well that is all for now i promise to try to get in here more and blog more.

Feelin a little let down i guess

I am so not sure of myself right now. Tom, zachary's father, said he was going to call me today to talk about getting together to talk in person. Not necessarily just the two of us but possibily all of us with the kids. well i have not heard from him and i actually feel dissapointed like i used to when i didn;t get a call from him when we were dating.

i actually have the feeling of being letdown. It was like everytime my cell phone rang i got butterflies in the stomach hoping it was him so we could talk. I have tried to call him but all i et is his voice mail.. I left a message for him to call me so we could figure out a time, date and place to get together to talk whether it be jsut the two of us or all of us.

i am not sure how to feel. i find myself thinking of him throughout the day and then i get all freaked out. I am still sitting here hoping he calls yet tonight for some reason.

I am not sure if this is normal because we share a son and we have not spoken to each other in 6 years if not longer and just knowing that he has had contact with our son in more recent years than i did and i want to know all.

confused

I am so confused right now not sure what to do.
My oldest son's father got in contact with me after 6 some years. He just wants to talk and exchange info on what we know aboutour son.

but the thing that has me confused is that (1) i am not sure if i should trust him not to set me up for an ambush with my mother (2) I am felling things that i do not think i should be feeling with being married but i am not sure if it is just because of the history we had shared in the past or not. (3) do i say anything to him about it at all and possibibly give him the wrong impression.

i just wish i had someone to talk to about all of this but no one really knows all the history between the two of us. we have known each other for over 20 years now and our son is now 16 years old. yes we have went our seperate ways and have new lives with other people but i still wonder about those what ifs.

am i wrong for feeling this way or is jsut because i never really said goodbye to him and had any closure with him when we split. my mom interfered SOOOOO much in our lives when we were together and she has done since we have been apart as wellto the point she tried to get him to come between my husband and i before we were even married.

we have been talking about it with each other a bit about all that my mom has done in the past and we both were wondering the same thing but yet it never went any further than just talking since we have just started talking again two days ago on the phone.

There are times when i feel so alone and one of those times is right now. he says he is coming to call me again and it is like i wait by my cell phone for it to ring. times hopeing that it is him.

i wish i could get over this butterfly in the stomach feeling when i know it is him calling me or just waiting for him to call.

not sure ehat to do and what i am to feel or how to react anymore. i am just so confused right now. NOt sure if it has anything to with the fact that hubby and I were having problems before and i am still not sure of were we are completely or what